Shake n Bake announce unchanged lineup for 2018

Shake n Bake have retained the services of both Fernando Alonso and Nolan Bryant for 2018, it was revealed by a team spokes-furry earlier today. The news came on the back of a mixed result for the team in Hungary, with the Spaniard securing a strong second after being overtaken by a charging Vaino Kimminen late in the race, and the plucky young American securing his 6th DNF of the season after a hefty altercation with the wall at turn 11.

Divisive Team Chairman and Non Executive director Fredro Fwibbib lauded the performances of his drivers this season. Speaking first on Alonso, Fwibbib stated “I can’t understate how impressed everyone has been with him. He’s come straight into the team and made it his own… he’s a true team leader, not like that flakey German from last time!” Referring to Sebastian Vettel, who spent six seasons with the team before heading for pastures new at Pedersen, and now Mitchell.

Fwibbib continued by commenting that Alonso’s “feisty and competitive attitude are a perfect fit” for the Yorkshire outfit’s team ethos, and remarked that the Spaniard’s “exquisite skill behind the wheel are matched only by his native country’s proficiency for bull-murder”

Fwibbib also sang the praises of Bryant, remarking that some of his impressive drives this year were “more than an adequate trade off for the occasional repair bill, especially considering that either the car or Lewis Hamilton’s overtaking judgement has let him down on more occasions than his own driving skill has”, adding that “if he wasn’t crashing sometimes, it would mean he’s probably not trying hard enough”. This rare, glowing praise for the driver in the other car prompted questions as to if the toxic atmosphere towards 2nd drivers in the team had subsided? Fwibbib abruptly responded:

“Absolutely not! Some mornings when he comes into the factory I leave a fake p45 on his desk, just to keep him his toes… he seems to be responding well!”

Alonso and Bryant were unavailable for comment, as they were both away on media duties for a product demonstration event in Paris with team sponsors Lovehoney. For this exact reason, both are believed to be very happy to extend their stay with the Yorkshire squad.

Fwibbib also would not provide a comment when questioned about the latest controversy he was embroiled in, which saw the Norwegian caught on camera by a member of the public embarking on a bizarre tirade of Arnold Shwarzenegger / Toto Wolff impressions after being heckled by a passer-by about the baseless accusations of illegality he levelled at the Tornado TRB-16B in Hungary.

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