Shake n Bake announce unchanged line-up following bitter split with main sponsors

FF1M veteran Fernando Alonso will stay alongside up-and-coming hotshot Nolan Bryant at Shake n Bake for 2019, it was confirmed this afternoon.

At a press conference, team chairman Fredro Fwibbib spoke about how he had “nothing but good things to say about the dynamic duo”, whom he jokingly refers to as “Scatman & Throbbin” (following the recently released pornographic parody film of the same name, which was financed by team sponsors Lovehoney). The film featured brief cameo appearances from Fernando and Nolan in the roles of “Middle-Aged Milkman” and “Enthusiastic Ferret Catcher”, respectively.

Whilst neither driver featured in any of the “action scenes”, panic ensued on set when Alonso suffered a sprained ankle after slipping on an unidentified, “slimy” substance. Thankfully, the Spaniard should be fit to race when FF1M returns from its summer break.

The news came shortly after the paddock discovered that Pennzoil would not continue its partnership with Shake n Bake into 2019, signalling the end of the team’s short era in yellow (if you can call one season an era). The split arose following a dispute between Pennzoil executives and the outspoken chairman, Fwibbib, which came to a head at the team’s biannual “Staff & Sponsors Golfing Afternoon”.

Prior to the event, the enigmatic Norwegian was believed to have referred to the executives as “a bunch of beach-vandalising seal suffocators”. In an attempt to make amends, Fwibbib arranged for the executives’ golf cart to be fitted with a complimentary M.U.N.T.E.R. (Megatron Ultra Non-perishable Turbo Engine Research) power unit so they could “have a bit of fun between shots”.

Unfortunately, the executives’ caddie, who jumped behind the wheel at the 1st tee, hadn’t been made aware of the 1,000 bhp FF1M engine under the bonnet. Onlookers later described to the emergency services how the unsuspecting caddie climbed aboard the cart with three of the executives before planting his foot to the floor, expecting to receive one or two bhp of thrust. One or two seconds later, the cart impacted a tree halfway down the 7th hole, with the occupants eventually landing in a lake on the 10th.