Mitchell buys new lawnmower. Retains Hamilton for 2018.

As the British summer ended with heavy rain and thunderstorms this weekend, one in the press could be forgiven for having taken out a contract on Joe Mitchell, team principal and owner of reigning Constructors Champions Mitchell, when he called the reporting circus to his home on the dramatically eroding coast of Somerset.

For much of Mitchell’s conference he had little to say about racing matters, instead beaming with joy over his new lawnmower which has been fitted with the latest experimental Mugen engine components. “It handles like a dream, and does 0-10 in just under a second” he bragged.

Much of the assembled press had been expecting some sort of announcement regarding Cooper Lee, the Australian who won the Monaco Grand Prix in 2016 but this season has struggled to score regular points and has been soundly beaten by World Champion team mate Lewis Hamilton. It is rumoured that Lee could soon be replaced, either by team favourite Sebastien Buemi, or his FFeM rival and driver of Mitchell’s Austrailian offshoot Albean, Lucas Di Grassi.

But instead reporters were forced to endure the torrential rainstorms as they watched Mitchell lap his garden in an impressive 34 seconds before he spun the lawnmower, narrowly avoiding his wife’s prized flowerbed and launching Mitchell into his swimming pool. It was there, bobbing fully clothed in the shallow end as rain drenched the onlooking press that Mitchell finally announced the real reason for calling the press conference:

“I have brought you all here today to announce Mitchell’s latest signing…………… Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton!!!! Yes that’s right baby!!!! Mitchell has re-signed the Undisputed Reigning Defending Champiooooooon to a new one year contract.” Before excitedly putting on a show of, what he called his “world famous breast-stroke”.

“When Lewis heard that he could renegotiate with us his people spoke to one of my minions… I believe it was minion number 3…. I think his name is Bob but who the hell cares about Bob you all want to know why Lewis resigned with us well Lewis like me knows that this Mugen engine is continuing to evolve and next season when you couple that with the genius new chassis concept we have come up with Lewis and Mitchell Racing will continue dominate all of FF1M especially those chumps at Tornado as there luck has to run out soon and if you don’t believe me then ask the man himself!!! I introduce to you the FF1M legend and Sir Lewis Hamilton, he’s just been giving my new lawnmower a test drive”.

At this point a helmeted figure appeared from Mitchell’s pool house and grabbed the stricken lawnmowever before taking off down the drive way, clearly in no mood to answer questions.

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